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Mom’s Going Home Day

Today is Mom’s Going Home Day.

At 2250 she stepped into Jesus’ arms.

Six years ago.

I miss her still, sometimes terribly so.

But I’m beyond grateful to know she’s safe with Him.

Happy and peaceful.

Savoring Paradise.

Savoring Jesus.

Savoring her loved ones who were already Home and have joined her since.

I’m especially grateful that she’s waiting there for me.

Not with worry, as if I’m late.

But with great joy and anticipation.

Longing to share.

Knowing we’ll be separated never again.

On the tender heading to an onshore excursion during our cruise to celebrate Mom’s 80th birthday.

So how am I celebrating my mom on this very special day?

I’m heading to Barnes & Noble in just a bit.

One of Mom’s favorite spots, being the bookworm that she was.

We enjoyed many trips there together.

Savoring the aroma of books and coffee in the café.

Surrounded by creativity and dreams-come-true poured into print.

Waiting for us to get lost in their midst.

Losing track of time and cherishing the ability to enjoy that together.

Which I’m going to do again today.

While she may not be physically present.

I know Mom will be there with me, nonetheless.

Caregiver Guilt: Common But Unnecessary

Caregiver guilt. If you’re one of those caregivers who feels bad that you can’t get everything “just right,” join the crowd. And if you’re a former caregiver whose loved one is no longer here and you wish you’d done some things differently—that’s a congested space, too.

Just take a look at a few of the titles of articles that poured onto the screen when I searched for “caregiver guilt”:

Caregiver guilt is a common emotion I often hear from others, and something I’ve experienced myself at times. In the many years that I cared for my mom, do you think there are things I wish I would’ve done differently? Of course there are. I’m only human and so are you. Which is why we both should embrace the sentiment on a pillow I once gave Mom that still hangs in my study: “Leave your shoulda coulda woulda at the door.”

I know, that may be easier said than done.

But I just want you to realize that if caregiver guilt is something you’re struggling with, you’re not alone. And I believe there are lots of dynamics that influence what that looks like. The following are just a few.  

Caregiver guilt and the timing of caregiving

Since I was a hospice nurse for many years, I’ve seen all kinds of caregiving scenarios.

Sometimes an individual has been chronically ill for an extended time—in such cases, the caregiver involved has had more time to adjust to the changes that caregiving brings. They also may be worn and wise enough to be more realistic about what they expect from themselves.

In contrast, the caregiver who is suddenly thrust into a caregiving role by an acute illness/injury or the unexpected news of a poor prognosis doesn’t have the opportunity to “adjust” to anything gradually. Instead, their world is turned upside down and they may suddenly find themselves responsible for meeting someone else’s needs nearly or actually 24/7.

Since they aren’t (yet) as worn and wise as the chronic caregiver, there may be all kinds of unrealistic fantasies about white horses and saving the day.

Caregiver guilt and the setting of caregiving

The setting of caregiving can play a big role in caregiver guilt—especially if a loved one isn’t where they (or you) think they want to be.

  • Maybe they’d like to move in with you, but it’s just not possible.
  • Maybe they have moved in with you and would rather be at home.
  • Maybe they live at home and refuse to budge even if budging seems the better option.
  • Maybe they reside in a facility and everyone is wishing they could be together instead.
  • Or maybe they’re on the other side of the country and it’s not possible to move closer to one another.  

Regardless of which scenario applies, one thing often rings true: most older adults would prefer to maintain their independence and not need caregiving support at all. When they do, figuring out how and where they’re going to receive it can create some dicey dynamics for everyone involved. That’s why it’s important to do so as a team—with your loved one as the captain, if possible.   

Caregiver guilt and the relationship of caregiving

Caregiving dynamics are also highly influenced by the nature of the relationship between the caregiver and care receiver—which will usually be quite different if it’s a parent; or a spouse; or a sibling; or an adult child; or other loved one.

In my hospice work, I’ve watched lots of couples dance the same relational dance during illness and caregiving that they’ve been dancing throughout the years they’ve been together.

Sometimes that’s good, and sometimes not so much.

The same can be true of adult children who are taking care of parents, and siblings caring for one another.

Caregiving doesn’t happen in a vacuum. Instead, the dynamics the caregiver and care receiver have had all along will be coming along for the ride, too.

In that context, I’ll offer one caveat: serious illness also influences things, too. I’ve seen some pretty crusty characters soften and embrace new priorities with the progression of disease—and that includes both caregivers and care receivers.

When that happens, it can lead to rich and meaningful dynamics within the caregiving season that emerge like treasure that’s been waiting to be discovered all along.

Caregiver guilt and the partnerships of caregiving

I know, “partnership” sounds like such a formal term. But what I’m referring to is that another component that may influence caregiver guilt is the amount of support the caregiver has (and accepts) from others.

That may be adult children who are helping a parent care for his or her spouse; siblings who are working together to care for an elderly parent; or caregivers who have none of that support—but can count on friends, neighbors, and a great healthcare team instead.

Why? Because having the partnerships of others within this season gives the caregiver others to talk to; objective perspectives to consider; the opportunity for respite; and the chance to celebrate their loved one with someone else.

Plus, even though their loved one tells them what a great job their doing—or may not express appreciation at all—it’s nice for caregivers to hear someone else tell them how wonderful they are.

My journey with Mom

When I get a twinge of caregiver guilt about this or that, I remind myself that I was doing the best I could with who I was at the time. My mom knew that and appreciated my efforts—regardless of what they looked like at times.

Pretty woman in purple top and her daughter smiling
I loved my incredible mom!

The same is true for you. Regardless of how your loved one has responded to your caregiving efforts—with gratitude, criticism, or indifference—remember you’re doing the best you can.

And if you’re looking back and dipping into that wishing well of regret about something, cut yourself some slack. What matters is that you showed your loved one how much you loved them simply by giving it your best effort in the context of your situation at the time.

If you haven’t had the chance to visit the articles in the intro to this piece, I encourage you to check them out and read from some caregiving sages about how you can best deal with your caregiver guilt.  

Whatever happened to that novel?

You may have heard me mention my “upcoming debut novel” a time or two.

Or three or four.

Or enough to think, “Enough already! Just publish the thing!”

Hey, I’m with you.

I’ve been working on various iterations of Final Moment and in varying levels of focus ranging from quite-intense-to-not-at-all since 2008.

Obviously, I feel it’s a story God put on my heart, or I would’ve given up long ago.

But that’s certainly not the case.

Instead, I’m more committed than ever to seeing Final Moment finally show up in print.

And that’s going to happen as soon as I determine next-best steps for publishing.

When Perfectionism Holds Us Back

Publication will also happen when I stop treating my manuscript like that kindergartner on the first day.

You know, the one whose precious hand you hate to release.

Whose ponytail you have to fix just one more time.

And lunchbox you need to recheck to make sure you packed all her favorite snacks.

Whose little face you have to scan for smudges that must be removed with a lick of your thumb.

And classroom you eye suspiciously to assess whether the other kids will play nice.

Certainly, Final Moment isn’t the same as a tender child.

But since I’ve been nurturing it for so long, I find myself doing the same kind of over-protective, hand-wringing things where my debut work is concerned.

While that may be helpful in some ways—like making sure the manuscript is in its best shape—that kind of hovering and hesitation can lead to even further delays in letting it go, and stifle the impact God wants it to have when it finally gets released into the wild.

As a project manager recently said to a small team I was engaged with—when we kept going back and forth to fix little things—”Don’t let perfection get in the way of completion.”

And Fear Gets in the Way

Another dynamic involved when it comes to something that’s part of your heart—is fear.

Fear of being vulnerable as you let others see what you can or cannot do.

Fear of rejection if readers don’t like either the writing itself or the content it contains.

Fear that the dream you’ve had all these years may not turn out as you’d hoped.

But that’s the part where we have to trust God.

For His power in all we do as we seek to do it with Him, instead of on our own.

For His plans to touch the lives He specifically intends, instead of the audiences we define for ourselves.

For His unconditional love that reminds us that no matter what others may think, He holds us in His loving embrace because we are precious to Him.

Moving Forward

All those things are good reminders for me as I seek to move forward—and I hope they are for you, too.

If you have a dream you’re stifling with perfectionism or hovering over with fear, ask God to help you with that.

To move forward in whatever way He reveals to you.

One way I believe I’m supposed to do that is through an exciting thing I did yesterday—which was to enroll in Author Media’s Book Launch Blueprint course. 🙂

Because while it will be wonderful to see Final Moment in print, I know that publication is only the beginning of all the hard work needed to successfully launch and market it from there.

That’s why I’m so excited about all that’s ahead in the intense instruction and mentoring of the next four weeks!

A friend who took it last year highly recommended it, as have all the other alumni who are attending again this year for free.

I’m looking forward to diving in!

This post is adapted from Sue’s Perspectives column in the latest edition of The Empowered Traveler™ Newsletter. If you’re not already a subscriber, you can do that here: Subscribe to Sue’s newsletter.

Easter: A Morning Like No Other

There will never again be a morning like Easter morning.

When an empty tomb changed everything.

Because regardless of the world’s attempts to the contrary, God’s not dead.

He always was and always will be alive and well.

Jesus’ life on the earth in human form served many purposes.

To reveal to us the character of God.

Including His love and compassion toward us.

And to demonstrate the grace and mercy He wanted to extend as a result of both.

Through the sacrifice of His only Son to cover our sins.

So we could have a relationship with Him.

Both now and forever more.

Made possible only through Jesus.

Who rose from the dead on this morning like no other.

Changing everything forever.

Luke 24:1-7 (NKJV)
John 3:16-18 (NIV)
Hebrews 4:14-16 (NASB)

What Happened Yesterday

One of the things I love about my current approach to Bible study is that by reading a chapter of the Old Testament along with a chapter in the New Testament each day, I can clearly see how the latter fulfills the former—especially when I’m learning from a Bible scholar like Dr. David Jeremiah.

I’ve been making my way through both Leviticus and the Gospel of Luke this week, so by now the copy of The Jeremiah Study Bible I’m using is so full of underlines and marks and comments that I think it’s gained some weight just from the additional ink.

This journey has been so profound at times, like when Jesus quotes something from an Old Testament passage that I’ve just read.

In the past week, I had one of those ah-ha moments when I read a sub-heading introducing the 9th chapter of Leviticus that reads: “The Priestly Ministry Begins” (The Jeremiah Study Bible, NKJV, p.140).

On that same day, I was also reading in Luke 23, which begins with Jesus being handed over to Pontius Pilate after His arrest in the Garden of Gethsemane and all that immediately followed.

This chapter also describes everything that Jesus endured up to and during His crucifixion, as well as the actual moment of His death.

It’s so powerful that I couldn’t read it all in one sitting.

Instead, I had to break it up so I could absorb all that Jesus suffered because of God’s great love for us.

But the ah-ha moment I mentioned earlier happened when I connected that subheading from Leviticus 9 with the moment in Luke 23:44-46 that changed everything for humanity:

“And it was now about the sixth hour, and darkness fell over the whole land until the ninth hour, the sun being obscured; and the veil of the temple was torn in two. And Jesus, crying out with a loud voice, said ‘Father, into They hands I commit My spirit.’ And having said this, He breathed His last” (NASB).

What it was like before

Whew.

I have to pause a minute so you can let that sink in.

Okay, now that we have a powerful image of the moment that changed everything, let me provide a little context-in-a-nutshell to frame my ah-ha moment.

To do so, let’s step back to the early and middle chapters of the Book of Exodus.

These sections of the Bible describe how God used Moses to help deliver the Israelites from bondage in Egypt and the beginning of their 40-year journey toward the Promised Land.

Although He reassured them He’d be with them, there were certain rules they would need to follow for that to be possible.

Through the end of Exodus and the beginning of Leviticus, God gave Moses very detailed instructions about what would be required for His sinful people to have a relationship with Him in the context of His holiness.

Those detailed instructions included constructing a portable tabernacle with progressively sacred rooms and establishing a sacrificial system as a way to compensate for sin.

Within the most sacred area of the tabernacle, the Most Holy Place, was the ark of the covenant. It was separated by a veil and could only be entered by the high priest (Aaron, Moses’ brother)—and then only once a year on the Day of Atonement (The Jeremiah Study Bible, p.132).

This area was so sacred that the high priest’s garment had bells around the bottom so those outside would know he was still alive and moving about (Exodus 28:33-35).

Here’s how Dr. Jeremiah describes this nerve-wracking scenario: “The hem of Aaron’s robe was interspersed with golden bells. The sound of the bells indicated to those outside the Most Holy Place that the high priest was alive—he had not been consumed by God’s anger while fulfilling his duties” (The Jeremiah Study Bible, p. 111).

In other parts of the tabernacle, specific types of sacrifices were offered by the lower-level priests (Aaron’s sons) according to God’s instructions.

That all might sound harsh and burdensome on God’s part, but His holiness and man’s sin are like oil and water—there’s no way they can be mixed.

That’s why all those sacrifices were necessary and why God eventually sent Jesus to do what He did.

Man’s priestly ministry begins—and ends

So what was my ah-ha moment last week?

That the priestly ministry of man that was launched in Leviticus 9 came to an abrupt and lasting end in Luke 23:44-46 when the temple veil was torn.

All those rules God established in the Old Testament to enable man’s relationship with Him are bookended by the beginning of man’s priestly ministry and the moment Jesus took His last breath.

That’s why, at the very same time, the veil in the temple that separated The Most Holy Place was torn in two.

And although Luke’s Gospel doesn’t include a key detail, both Matthew’s and Mark’s Gospels do: the veil wasn’t torn from the bottom, as if by men—but from the top, apparently by God.

“And Jesus cried out again with a loud voice, and yielded up His spirit. Then, behold, the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom…” (Matthew 27: 50-51, NKJV).

“And Jesus cried out with a loud voice and breathed His last. Then the veil of the temple was torn in two from top to bottom” (Mark 15: 37-38, NKJV).

Commenting on Mark 15:38, Dr. Jeremiah’s footnote reads, “The thick veil of the temple separated the Holy Place from the Most Holy Place, where in ancient times the ark of the covenant had rested. …The tearing of the veil from top to bottom signifies that God had opened the way for people to have a new and vital relationship with Him. The tearing of the veil from the top suggests it was torn by God” (The Jeremiah Study Bible, p. 1373).

The Bad Friday transformed to Good

So in history, what happened yesterday, on what Christians refer to as “Good Friday”—which is a seemingly questionable reference to such an apparently very bad day—is that God created open access to a relationship with Him through the ultimate sacrifice of His Son for our sin.

No more sacrificial offerings would be needed.

Because Jesus had become the sacrificial offering once and for all.

He fulfilled the requirements of the Old Covenant as described in the Old Testament and created the New Covenant as described in the New Testament.

A New Covenant made possible by what He did on the cross as “the Lamb of God who takes away the sin of the world!” (John 1: 29, NKJV).

And in doing so, He also assumed the priestly ministry of interceding on our behalf so we can have a relationship with the Father—which He continues to do today (Hebrews 7:22-28).

But, there’s still a rub.

If we want to have a relationship with God and spend eternity in heaven, we must do two very important things:

  1. Repent of our sin and admit that we need what Jesus has done for us (Romans 3:23).
  2. Embrace His offer of salvation through a relationship with Him as Savior and Lord (Romans 10:9,10).

When Jesus was here, He was very clear that “…the only way to the Father is through me” (John 14:6).

Fortunately, that’s a path He has already made possible for each person who takes His hand and accepts the gift of salvation He has provided.

A gift driven by God’s great love for us—and made possible by His mercy and grace through the sacrifice of His Son.